Pain for Purpose

I saw an interview of Matt Hammit of Sanctus Real talking about his newborn son's heart defect and how they weren't sure if he was going to make it or not. At the end of his interview he said something that spoke right to my heart;

"You can either be angry or bitter when bad things come your way, or you can let them shape you and mold you and teach you lessons about life. You can trade your pain in for purpose. Bowen's pain will have a purpose and we believe that will all our hearts."

Even though I haven't been faced with something so tragic, we all deal with pain in our lives one way or another. Pain can be brought on by things that are out of our control. Over the last few months I have been dealing with pain. Not a physical pain but a spiritual pain that brings out lots of emotions. A pain that has caused my heart to hurt deep inside. What I thought was going to be an open door for Scott and I was closed shut. We desired so much to go in this direction and it seemed as if all things were adding up and were confirmed to lead up to this point in our lives where we felt as if God was finally opening a door for us for full time ministry. After several months of waiting and praying, we found out it wasn't time to go.

Our hearts were broken, severed and torn in two. Almost like our dream was shattered into a million pieces right before our eyes. It was tough and still is at times but we know God has a purpose and plan for our lives and obviously this wasn't it.

I have been on a roller coaster ride of every emotion possible. Questioning and wondering why things didn't happen the way we felt so sure in our hearts they were going to go. Questioning God and our ability to hear his voice, to the place now that I feel as though I am numb to everything that comes my way.

This is a pain I can't say I have ever experienced before, nor do I want to experience it again. I know that I have a choice to either allow the pain to control me or I can allow what I have gone through to "teach me and shape me" and figure out what purpose it has for my life. You see, God doesn't allow us to go through things that are too big for us to handle, but He does allow test and trials to come our way to see how well we do during the process. I can't say that I have handled everything the way the Lord intended but I know I want the end of my story to be that I passed the test.